Northern git

3441 days ago

Explaining the difference between cocaine and washing powder to a Northern git

On top of my fireplace at the Greek Hovel in a picture I published the other day is a large bag of white powder. At once the self-styled Northern Barons my good pals Doc Holiday and Brokerman Dan were tweeting in a frenzy that I had a large stash of coke with me. Dan reckoned I was going to dose my Albanian workers tomorrow and get the olives harvested at record speed. I am sorry to disappoint the Northern gits. 

For behind the bag is a box marked Tide. This is a product called “washing powder” which in the South of England we use to wash our clothes. In the North I guess they just hang their shell suits out in the rain until they are marginally less grubby and then leave them to dry next to the pigeon loft. The next time that my good friends trek down from the welfare addicted wastelands of the Grim North I will try to explain to them what this is all about. 

The picture below is of the washing powder but also a larger bag of yellow powder which is Sulphur which I use on the edge of the garden to keep snakes away.  For readers in the Grim North who might not understand what a snake is it is a bit like a Quindell shareholder. That is to say it has a small brain but some varieties are poisonous and no-one likes any of them. The only difference is that snakes can be worth a bit of money.

3823 days ago

My wife has a vision issue

As the Mrs and I shared a cab to the station on Wednesday morning she suddenly blurted out – you are wearing my glasses. And so I was. The thing is that when you are almost as  blind as a bat, as I am, when you have no glasses on your vision is so blurred that you are amazed if you can find any glasses lying around, finding your own is a bonus.

I had always assumed that the Mrs was just a bit short sighted bit her prescription seems almost identical to mine. She too is almost blind as a bat – I suppose that explains how I got so lucky.

I wonder how she has got on wearing my specs for the past few days? The bad news is that when she took the Northern Git test she scored a mere 33% ( Oxford). She is devestated.

3824 days ago

Are you a Northern Git? Take the Test: I am 0% Northern

Here is an automatic test to see of you are a Northerner. No surprises I scored 0% and according to the test must live in Jersey. Almost right. How do you do?

You can take the test HERE